This was supposed to be another zine. A zine, 10 years later, about turning 40. It was also going to chronicle this past decade of my life and provide a reflection on the 360 Months project, with an additional 120 months of wisdom to offer.
Part of that initial inspiration was to utilize the resources at the mostly empty office I go into on Thursdays. With the upper management and almost all of my coworkers logging on remotely these days, I would be able to print out 100 copies of my 480 Months zine on the down low. Then I realized there would still be all the labor of assembling and distributing ahead of me. On top of that realization, things became complicated by an impending major life change as my 30's entered their final months (more on that soon).
So. In lieu of a zine you can hold in your hands on my 40th birthday, I simply offer this...
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In March 2011, I began confronting the urgency of entering into a new decade by inviting others to share their thoughts on turning 30. I wanted to learn what my peers were experiencing and feeling on the cusp of that milestone which had no official rite of passage.
"Many of us who are approaching the 3 decade mark are anxious about officially entering adulthood," I wrote in this invitation one month before my own birthday. "Others attempt to embrace this development. How we feel about turning 30 has a lot to do with the extent to which there is a disconnect between what our lives look like now and our own (and society's) expectations for this moment; how what we are doing measures up with what we wanted to be when we grew up."
In less than 30 days, I received submissions of personal essays from 30 different people about turning 30. The stories and observations ranged quite a bit. While many of us focused on the innumerable challenges we had been navigating, there was still a hopeful thread connecting them all as we anticipated the some of the possibilities ahead.
But where are we now? How are we feeling about turning 40 as the world continues to reel, over 1 year into a global pandemic?
In one way, this past year has felt like a full decade. But at the same time, it just feels like April has finally arrived after the longest March ever. Spring is finally blooming again and some of us are starting to get vaccinated even as the world remains forever transformed by COVID. There is finally some hope even as we struggle to grasp the magnitude of this collective suffering and loss.
And my personal transformation which I alluded to earlier is that I am moving back to my home state! That's right, after 12 years in Philadelphia I'll be shipping up to Boston just a few weeks after my 40th birthday. I'm excited to live closer to my family in Massachusetts and to explore this city I honestly haven't spent much time in beyond bus layovers at South Station and punk shows in my youth. And I am happy to report that even though my 30's began with heartbreak they are ending full of love. I feel so much gratitude for this and for making it to 480 months in good health and with a supportive community that transcends city, state, and national borders.
So I'm feeling pretty good about turning 40 and continuing to embrace getting older. For me, it doesn't have quite the same urgency, surprisingly, as the existential dread of a decade ago. Should I be feeling anxious and deflated about being "over the hill" now? Should I feel regret for not "settling down" and starting a family? The dominant culture (shaped by systems like capitalism and hetero-patriarchy) sure would like us to all be paralyzed by such questions.
If I have learned anything from this past decade, and particularly this past year, it's how interconnected everything is and how important solidarity and mutual aid are in pointing toward a better world for us all. If we remain in our individualistic, competitive bubbles then our lives will be driven by scarcity and fear. But if we dare to build and learn with others for the common good then anything is possible.
Happy 40th to my peers and to a better future beyond the current society. 💓
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